RELEASE
America has no First Dog. We intend to find one.
The search is the biggest, most beautiful search for a dog in the history of dogs. Many people are saying so.
For the first time in a very long time, the White House has no dog. Nobody is guarding the good cushion. Nobody is greeting visitors at the door. Frankly, it is a disgrace, and we are going to fix it.
So far hundreds of dogs have been measured on the Trump Index: the hair, the tan, the tie, the gold and the attitude. Some of them are tremendous. Some of them are asleep. We love them all, but only one can be First Dog.
The highest-scoring dogs go on the First Dog Shortlist, by state and by breed. The competition is fierce. The Pomeranians, in particular, are very confident.
THE SEARCH SO FAR
Has reviewed a great many coats. Reports that the fluffiest dogs hold their shape in a high wind. The doodles have asked for a recount of their volume.
Examining whether an all-over orange glow is natural. Every Shiba Inu questioned has declined to comment.
After lengthy study, the committee has ruled that a long red tongue hanging below the chin is a tie. The Labradors are delighted.
A gold cushion counts. A gold collar counts. A golden retriever counts, but only for the tan.
“We will find the best dog. The very best. And it will have the good cushion, believe me.”
If your dog has the hair, the tan or the attitude, measure it now. It takes about ten seconds and it is completely free. Then put it forward for the shortlist.
And if your dog scores low, do not worry. Low energy is still energy. Every dog is a good dog.
The Chief MeasurerTHE TRUMP INDEX
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OUT OF CHARACTERThis is a parody. How Trump Is Your Dog? is not affiliated with Donald J. Trump, the Trump Organization, the White House or any campaign, and the Chief Measurer is entirely made up. Nothing here is about politics, policy or how to vote. All dogs are good dogs.